‘The Convergence Is At Hand,’ Announces Sears CEO As Employees Report To Company Headquarters In White Gowns

HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—As the department store chain prepared to file for bankruptcy and close its retail locations, Sears CEO Eddie Lampert reportedly announced “The convergence is at hand” Thursday as all Sears employees, clad in white gowns, reported to company headquarters.

“Brothers and sisters of Sears, I beseech you to join me as we enter the next plane of our company’s existence,” said the beatific Lampert, adorned in a gleaming white robe and his head shaved, as all 140,000 Sears employees left their stores across the nation and made their way to the Prairie Stone Business Park, where they were told they would receive their instructions at dawn.

lol

Sears could have DESTROYED Wal-mart & Amazon if they had gone back to their roots. People loved Kenmore, Diehard, Craftsman, & so on; products were legitimately GOOD; didn't even try. Eddie Lampert harmed the company to enhance his own personal wealth, he should be in prison.

Ah the softer side of Sears.

I remember when theonion was actually funny

I hope they're faster at check out in the next plane of existence than they were in this one. No wonder they went bust.

What's a 'Sears'

I didn't know Sears still sold white gowns.

Didn’t Sears close like 6-7 years ago

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