Wayne and Wanda: My boyfriend is great to me, but awful to service-industry workers

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Our advice columnists see this behavior as a clear red flag, but whether this boyfriend can ever learn to change remains to be seen.

The one-year milestone with my boyfriend is coming up, and I’d love your perspective on a potential red flag. Backstory: We’re in our late 20s. He treats me better than anyone I’ve ever been with, and we’ve connected deeply. We’ve traveled, met each other’s friends and family, and are aligned on all of life’s big things — values, goals, future dreams, etc.

I worked at a bar in college, and tips helped so much. More than that, I valued the friendships and tightness between everyone who worked there. I know firsthand how much kind words or tips mean on long shifts. So, when he’s rude or tips poorly, I am embarrassed and end up leaving extra cash to make up for it. He knows how I feel and understands my background, but he still can’t believe I leave extra tips, and says if people want more money they should find better jobs, like I did.

It’s interesting that this otherwise all-around good guy is so obviously targeting one sector of society. It’s telling that said sector is one that by very definition is composed of folks who are literally working in roles of service. These are folks who log long hours for often low pay. This is the object of his condescension? It’s not OK.

It seems like you’re envisioning a future where you’re even closer, maybe living together, and you see his dismissive attitude getting directed at you when you’re just trying to help out or go out of your way to do something special. Or maybe you’re afraid of watching this arrogance extend to others he might see as “beneath” him: your dog groomer, the mailman, movers, romance columnists, or … you, if he ever expects you to take on a more “submissive” role.

 

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