RALEIGH, NC—Holding an all-hands meeting Tuesday morning to discuss first-quarter performance and set expectations for the rest of the year, local CEO Randall Schmidt reportedly outlined the challenges the company was facing due to his own insatiable greed.
“Prevailing economic headwinds being what they are, we just have to face the reality that I want a second vacation home and there’s nothing I won’t do to get it. I’m hopeful that in the next fiscal quarter we’ll be able to get me a multimillion-dollar addition to my current home in the most exclusive gated community in the city, but my own unwavering avarice is really putting pressure on all of you to significantly increase your output over the next several months.