New USPS Commercial Says They Proudly Send More Fingers For Kidnappers Than Any Other Shipping Company

📆 2019-07-31 5:48 PM
📰 TheOnion

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WASHINGTON—Touting their service as the number-one choice for American abductors, a USPS commercial that premiered Wednesday highlighted the company’s history of proudly sending more fingers for kidnappers than any other major shipping company. “When you’re trying to get proof of life to its destination in order to guarantee your ransom demands are met, you can rely on USPS,” said the ad spot that also lauded the postal service’s reasonable rates for mailing standard-sized envelopes with threatening notes made from letters cut out of newspapers or written in the sender’s blood. “Our professionalism and care have allowed us to consistently surpass private shipping companies in consumers hoping to extort enormous sums of money from wealthy families. You can be confident that that child’s finger, toe, or portion of ear will get there on time, every time.” The ad concluded by reminding viewers that USPS was the unsurpassed leader in providing passport services for those fleeing to another country when their plan goes awry.

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Looks like I'm back in business, thanks USPS!

And they have a new, unbeatable offer on the second ear if you send it less than one week after the first one.

Don’t understand. What am I missing here?

Sweet I use them to send all my fingers too

Id call it supprting independent businesses

Do they also take pride in shipping ransom notes and payments? 😄

They have a double digit lead over their competitors.

And toes!

freemarket

They have their fingers in all the pies.

The US Postal Service is the biggest drug delivery dealer you've ever met. I'm 100% serious too.

Unless you count Amazon accidentally sending warehouse employee fingers.

When I was a kidnapping victim the kidnappers sent my finger via UPS but it never arrived, so they had to cut off another finger and UPS lost that one too! Long story short, I'm typing this with my nose.

I prefer earlobes as proof of life Less invasive.

NoHo Hank still suggests DHL.

Well at least i can count on that

Somebody has to do it!

Lil

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