Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closure Of All Orifices

📆 17/3/2020 5:07 AM
📰 TheOnion

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LAS VEGAS—Emphasizing that the high-traffic, high-impact areas could have far-reaching ramifications for the spread of coronavirus, porn industry leaders held a press conference Monday to announce the immediate closure of all orifices. “Although this was a difficult decision, as of this morning, we have ordered a nationwide closure of all slits, gashes, holes, and cracks until this global pandemic passes,” said Vivid Entertainment spokesperson Anthony Ufford, adding that while the shutdown could unfortunately leave many workers with no place to bust a nut or totally unable to get deep-dicked for weeks, it was ultimately the right thing to do. “We understand this is frustrating for many of our customers, but the fact of the matter is, the more holes that we can keep empty and unfilled, the more fingers, fists, and rock-hard cocks we can keep healthy during this difficult time. Once this is over, we assure you, faces will go back to being fucked, and pinkies will be back in the stink as soon as possible.” At press time, Ufford added that during the closure, he had also ordered every orifice to undergo a thorough deep-clean before reopening.

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Business is really drying up.

GavVought ruh roh

Wrekonize 😂🤣😂🤣😂

thankfully we have our best doctor on the case

I told them now is not the time to release Nostril girls vol.16

Now that's serious...

Wrekonize

I thought there be one guy who didint get the joke but rheres like 30 people who didint get it

Air tight!

What? Just quarantine them all at my place!

Does puckering anuses count on Wall Street?

therealelp Daedelus your older cousin made the big time Al, cover photo on the onion, broooo! 😂

this is serious folks

jenkinsleighto With enforced home working expect a lot of men to need glasses in 4-6 months.

No!!!! 😂

Now this is the real national emergency

OMG

Speak for yourself. I'm still open for business!

Non-essential orfices.

BREAKING: Hentai stock soars.

therealelp For a second, I thought that guy was porksmith . After thinking about it, I would vote for him as Leader of Porn. 'DAMN THESE ELECTRIC PANTS!'

therealelp well at least arm pits are still available

RaworDie does that include Nancy Pelosi's mouth ?

😂😂

Noooooooo

“Once this is over, we assure you, faces will go back to being fucked, and pinkies will be back in the stink as soon as possible.” 😂😂😂😂

Lmao

Got to be said it's complete discrimination if the whole of Europe doesn't get free premium pornhub

facials only.

🤣

what are their last names, by any chance?

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