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Health Insurance CEO Reveals Key To Company’s Success Is Not Paying For Customers’ Medical Care

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HARTFORD, CT—During a panel presentation about his company’s recent 76 percent quarterly profit spike, Aetna CEO Mark Bertolini disclosed Monday that the key to increasing earnings in an era of ballooning costs continues to hinge on not paying for customers’ medical care. “The secret to running a thriving multi-billion-dollar company like Aetna is in the cultivation of a loyal consumer base whose medical needs you rarely, if ever, pay for,” said Bertolini, who went on to advise young entrepreneurs to first build financial reserves through a business model in which subscribers spend an exorbitant amount each month for prescriptions, doctor visits, and surgical procedures, and then preserve their capital by exercising all due diligence and consistency by never paying for expensive, profit-deflating exigencies such as prescriptions, doctor visits, and surgical procedures. “If you want broad profit margins in today’s constricted marketplace, all you need to do is find a market which you can offer absolutely nothing while taking all of your customers’ money. That describes today’s modern health insurance market to an uncanny degree—In 2017, our largest customer-facing expense was advertising.” At press time, Aetna’s stock value rose by 6 percent as the company announced a premium hike.

 

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dumb_binch_mara Put furious angry mouser Mara in cage with this Mr ceo loser....

0/10, the onion is supposed to be satire. stop reporting on real news!

This isn't a joke. This is reality.

I liked the Onion when it was parody

StateFarm Allstate

FirstTimeTrek Too true, . Too true.

AmericanFan4USA This is no joke, it's the God's honest truth.

jeffreymday

Bruh you're supposed to be satire not news 😦

ndrew_lawrence We knew that. Arrrrrgh! GreedyBastards

ndrew_lawrence Lol insurance in general.

Kaiser Permanente core plan.

Genius!

cc: BlueShieldCA

Guy looks like Johnny Sack from the Sopranos.

Old news hun

So true it’s not even funny

When did you start reporting straight news?

Shocking!

I knew it!

I thought The Onion was parody?

Sometimes the Onion is more accurate than real life.

If only this were satire

The Onion has become the news outfit with the most accurate reporting. What a time to be alive.

Wait, this is not a joke though.. It's what they really do.. 😕

“You see, you unfortunately plumped for our 'Neverpay' policy, which, you know, if you never claim is very worthwhile, but you had to claim, and, well, there it is.” Monty Python, 1970

Bravo!

This is why it’s important to get hurt before your next premium payment is due.

INB4 “the onion isn’t funny anymore, go read teh babylon bee”

Satire is dead at the hands of reality...

Industry expert concedes, “if you think healthcare is expensive now, wait until it’s free.”

Fact check: True

So true though

Genius! Pay that man 361 times more than his average employee.

Sad but true

Brave of him to be so honest.

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