Denny’s Market Researcher Emerges From Focus Group Shaken After Finding Out What Americans Really Want For Breakfast

📆 8/3/2020 1:00 am
📰 TheOnion

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SPARTANBURG, SC—Struggling to regain his composure and come to terms with what he had just witnessed, market researcher Nathan Pendersen emerged from a Denny’s focus group Thursday shaken after finding out what Americans really want to eat for breakfast. “I asked them which items they’d like to see on our new breakfast menu, and they almost universally said cookie crumbles and pizza, and I’m not sure they meant separately,” a visibly distraught Pendersen said, noting that even the proposed sausage and pepper jack breakfast burrito was received tepidly until it was served on a double stack of pancakes and received four ladles of melted nacho cheese. “Do you know what it’s like listening to a full-grown adult make the case for gummi worms on waffles or just flat-out suggest we find a way to make oatmeal more like a meatball sub? I’m just…I’m just not sure I can do another one of these.” At press time, Pendersen was shuddering at the memory of the resounding approval the focus group had given him after he jokingly introduced the idea of just deep-frying a sack of sugar.

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Write Comment

This sounds fake. What are your sources? FakeNews

A Mountain Dew flavoured AR-15 and a cup of Folgers

This man needs counselling; he’s been out in the field way too long.

Raw, bloody meat, the skin still covering it

Come on Cocaine Over Myhiney was a good one

🐈

Coffee, O.J., 2 eggs on toast with turkey bacon sounds good, right after I take care of my wife's Volvo. (ahem)

“Bullets covered in cocaine, and stale coffee”

'We are in Hell. And we deserve it..'

What do Americans really want for breakfast?

It's sex. Time for DennysDiner to make some big changes.

Cold pizza and egg nog?

Is it this?

Actually a deep fried bag of sugar sounds pretty damn tasty

'They just want us to insert the diabetes directly to them, but it has to be bacon flavored.'

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