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Market Rallies After Fed Chief Shows Off Huge Wad Of Cash

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NEW YORK—As the S&P advanced 0.9% the moment awestruck investors saw all the bills spread out in a dramatic fan, financial experts confirmed that the U.S. stock market rallied significantly Wednesday following the Federal Reserve chairman Jay Powell’s flamboyant display of a huge wad of cash. “Holy shit is that a fat stack, and all hundreds, too. Okay, this Fed chief guy must be loaded,” hedge fund manager Soren Westerman said as a self-assured Powell threw the roll of bills on a nearby Wall Street table, producing a deep thud so impressive the DOW rose 120 points in late trading and the Nasdaq Composite notched another 1.2%. “I mean, damn, if the chief of the Fed is throwing around hundy stacks like they’re nothing, the Fed itself has got to be doing well. Otherwise, why would he act like cash means nothing to him?” Prominent economists, however, have cautioned investors that Mr. Powell may have been pulling a fast one on everyone by putting his big bills on the outside.

NEW YORK—As the S&P advanced 0.9% the moment awestruck investors saw all the bills spread out in a dramatic fan, financial experts confirmed that the U.S. stock market rallied significantly Wednesday following the Federal Reserve chairman Jay Powell’s flamboyant display of a huge wad of cash. “Holy shit is that a fat stack, and all hundreds, too.

Okay, this Fed chief guy must be loaded,” hedge fund manager Soren Westerman said as a self-assured Powell threw the roll of bills on a nearby Wall Street table, producing a deep thud so impressive the DOW rose 120 points in late trading and the Nasdaq Composite notched another 1.2%. “I mean, damn, if the chief of the Fed is throwing around hundy stacks like they’re nothing, the Fed itself has got to be doing well.

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Only gangsters hold a wad of cash in a roll like that.

craignewman

Goldbroker_com The world debt at $250,000,000,000,000,000,000 is ex-GDP worldwide - an all-time record. And if we add unfunded liabilities and derivatives, the total debt and liabilities amount to more than $2 quadrillion, which is 25x global GDP.

jedimarkus77 Hilarious.

FedPorn

Jezdufourq

The onion is a soothing balm.

mdempse2

emilionaire_01

Stalingrad_Poor Roll of $1s wrapped in a $50.

kairyssdal 😂

What I see happening

Freshly printed - PLENTY more where that came from.

That's what he pickpocketed from the plebes while walking up to the speaking podium.

Why is The Onion doing better journalism than MSM?

I mean, metaphorically, that’s exactly what he did. The headline’s not wrong.

My boy better have my money or Imma gonna whoop his sorry ass.

😂😂😂

carlquintanilla

carlquintanilla Thus is literally how it happened. Made it rain

Market later crashed after he blew his wad at local strip club.

StepheClifton27 What?

Is applauded as a genius for farming out the printing of money to small mom and pop counterfeiters.

It's a hundo on the outside and all singles inside

It is all fake, but do enjoy your Tax Slavery. EndTheFED

Perceptions do a lot

The Onion gives a more honest headline than CNBC

🤣🤣🤣

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