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Congress Allocates $2 Trillion To Bail Out Struggling Bailout Industry

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WASHINGTON—In order to alleviate the heavy damage the crucial financial sector is facing in the midst of the ongoing Covid-19 outbreak, the United States Congress announced Tuesday that they would be allocating $2 trillion in order to bail out the struggling bailout industry. “The bailout industry is on the brink of failure, so in order to prevent a full-on catastrophe, we are setting aside $2 trillion in order to bail it out,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), adding that the business of giving of massive sums of money to corporations so they can cover their losses is at the very bedrock of the U.S. economic system, and without assistance, the entire bailout industry as we know it could collapse, which could lead to another Great Depression. “During a crisis like this, the bailout industry is often hit the hardest, so we are taking immediate action, as our economy is deeply dependent on the bailout system; if bailouts can’t function, then America can’t function. A cash injection is absolutely necessary to make sure these failing businesses can inject cash into failing businesses.” At press time, Congress had signed a bill to allocate funds to bail out their bailout of the bailout industry.

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anya_ferris could have just said that they were gonna bail out the usps and it would have still been a joke

Congress rounds down 2.2 trillion to provide relief to tax payers

Congress also allocated $2 trillion to themselves because they are the ones really struggling to bail out the bailout industry.

Makes sense

Tax cuts for the rich, socialism for the poor.

'A cash injection is absolutely necessary to make sure these failing businesses can inject cash into failing businesses.'

Put it directly into the hands of the American people!!! Bail us out!!!! Mandate no banking fees or late charges until you do!

Lol oh dear

CheesyBread9 Moscow Mitch is a Traitor to the American People and Constitution of The United States. Turtle has the credibility of a KGB agent.

All hail the bail. Where it come from without fail. No ones knows. No one cares because like science it really scares. bail from jail it frees us to sail through life from coast to coast as we do cause gas costs bail to escape from jail.

Curious, how many of these types of exercises fund some of these politicians personal bank accounts - directly or indirectly ( like Trump). We need to claw that back.

RudyHavenstein Wha...oh. humor.

Bail out soon Bail in

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jebgavin Hmmm

KyleKulinski I thought you were supposed to be satire

The fake thing here is that number is currently less than the amount used in the last 5 days

But who will bailout Congress and who will bailout the industry of bailouts for the bailout industry?

mepersonally am waiting for the true bailout which will bailout the bailout that bailed out the bailout fund.

KyleKulinski lmao I'd be less surprised by this than UBI

Is this even satire at this point?

Just remember, any government bailouts granted are not to be considered socialism ... it’s just the government giving free money to those in need. 🙄

cameron_kasky eccommunist kylesanders57

I'd settle for half that...I got unnecessary bills...

MattPalumbo12 McConnell is the lead republican in the senate. You should use Pelosi’s photo as she is the lead dem Congress critter.

Welcome back, Onion.

it’s a good day to go skydiving!

It is a very tough sentence...

Struggling is so hard to struggle with as far as stuggling struggles

First trickle down economics, then trickled on economics.

yang1000s Byeeee lol

Because life imitates art.

But The Onion is supposed to be satire....

It. Just. Works!

The thing is, this actually sounds like something the government would do

Haha it was only a matter of time 🤷🏼‍♂️

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