Company President Started Out As Fertilized Embryo

📆 2020/08/18 05:31:00
📰 TheOnion

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NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he had come in 56 years, MerCal Enterprises president David Gilford reflected this week on his rise from a humble fertilized embryo to head of a publicly traded multinational company.

Speaking from his executive suite, Gilford told reporters that as leader of a business that regularly reports billions in profits, his current station in life is a far cry from his beginnings as a newly formed zygote, when he didn’t have single dollar or functioning circulatory system to his name.

Gilford said he never even entertained the possibility that the differentiated tissue groups he began to form after attaching to the uterine wall would one day lead to him overseeing more than 7,000 employees in 11 global offices.

But while he received a compensation package last year of more than $16 million, including cash and stock options, in no small part due to the cartilage, muscle, and bone structures that developed from his mesoderm, Gilford admitted it was not smooth sailing all the way. At week 11, his eyelids suddenly closed for nearly two months, a discouraging setback that Gilford said ultimately helped almost as much as everything that went right.

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Write Comment

I myself started as an orgasm. Here's to humble beginnings! 🤣😂

He's already privileged. I had to start as a sperm

Doubt.

Wow!! That’s amazing!! It’s crazy how much diversity is allowed under trump’s presidency unlike Obama🙄

What a heart - warming story

Onion-Trad, you have returned to us!

Chief Embryo Officer

🤣🤣😂😂

Same.

Damn, never knew I have so much in common with a company president, I can dream big now.

Youve come a long way embryo!

hey... I started out as an embryo

Wow! That's determination lol.

👀

Omg me too! I’m inspired to dream big now... 🙂

So did hitler

big if true

He stands for great change that he thinks his company can provide. With this initiative, this ambition, this beautiful noncontroversial movement that I present will assist in what I insist is what you suggest

You've come along way, pre-baby.

You sicken me.

I thought you were supposed to be funny...

The audacity

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