THE HEAVENS—Realizing His error after Heaven’s holy lights were shut off, a distracted God, Our Lord, and Heavenly Father accidentally put a baby’s soul in an envelope Wednesday to the utility company.
“Shit, shit, shit, I can’t believe I unintentionally sent that baby’s soul to the electric company,” said The Divine Creator of the Universe, who absentmindedly mailed the infant’s spirit instead of His bill payment while His attention was diverted by a long backlog of unanswered prayers. “I’ve searched high and low hoping I just misplaced it, but all that turns up are deceased souls of the elderly. I can’t find this stupid baby soul anywhere.
He should really go pamperless
This is how we got Duke Energy
Maybe he should start using online payments.
Great, now all the utility companies are gonna start wanting payments in babies.
Jesus Christ, God.
I want to love this as much as I do all of ‘s fabulous humor, but I just can’t. 😑
That’s where Utility employees come from!
After the holidays, we’re all a bit loose in the head. Hope he gets this straightened out
Lmao! Auto pay!
And, maliciously swallows errant package.
Then he spent 4 hours on the phone with customer service department, and was overheard saying 'JFC, it's not like the baby was written out to you! Why does it take 5-7 business days for returning it, I just told you it's an error?! I want to talk to your manager, MeDamnit!'
Oh man.
One-on-One Interview With God is still my favorite The Onion thing:
So you saw that tiktok too
“My bad,” sayeth the lord.
😂
No that's just what the cost of energy these days
Is this supposed to be funny? If not then what is the purpose?
Poss covid brain fog. Hate to see it.
Ted in billing
We all do that every month
He didn’t mention it was an evil soul that was sent to ERCOT on January of 2021!
Not surprising behavior from the deity who put a tree containing the knowledge of evil in easy reach of the first humans. It's like leaving cleaning chemicals out where your kid can drink them.
GODDAMN POTOMAC EDISON!
🤣🤣🤣🤣
shit happens
Oof
Who comes up with these gems😆
'God dammit, now I'm gonna get a late fee!'
Related: God Thinking Maybe Should Dial Down 'Omnipotent' Claims
Mondays vibe
Trafficking the way Epstein wishes he could of.
Will they take souls? cause i gotta pay this bill
Unfollowed. There is no god.
lolrw
Dude's getting old. Maybe we need to consider taking away His license?
Damnit god not again
That wasn't an accident, it was the reconnection fee.
God needs to get on the auto pay plan.
All those who preferred prayers to the vax should have known better not to depend on the Almighty. 'His attention was diverted by a long backlog of unanswered prayers.'
What's he got to be distracted about ? we know it's not justice.
I got on God's case for that and the time he accidentally sent in his Social Security card along with a form for a $100 rebate on a $25 Qualcomm phone.
Sounds like the beginning of an epic adventure!