Convict Sentenced To Generating $80,000 To $100,000 In Profits For Private Prison

📆 1/8/2020 5:49 PM
📰 TheOnion

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OLNEY SPRINGS, CO—After being tried and convicted of armed robbery and two counts of aggravated assault, local 24-year-old Elijah Rudin was officially sentenced Friday to generating $80,000 to $100,000 in profits for the privately held Crowley County Correctional Facility. “The defendant is hereby ordered to create a minimum of $80,000 in net profits at a medium security prison owned and operated by the CoreCivic corporation,” said Judge Gary Mueller, adding that Rudin will be processed the following day at Crowley County prison, where he will remain incarcerated until he has produced at least a 1.25 percent increase in CoreCivic’s stock valuation. “I believe this sentence is an appropriate punishment given the nature of Mr. Rudin’s crimes, the harm caused to his victims, and the fact that Crowley County Prison will qualify for a generous government stipend for housing a minimum number of inmates, per the terms of CoreCivic’s contract with the Colorado Department of Corrections. I sincerely hope, Mr. Rudin, you now fully understand the consequences of your actions.” Mueller went on to clarify that Rudin will eventually be eligible for parole on condition of good quarterly earnings.

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confusion_reign That’s only about 9 months, maybe less if he gets sick or hurt

Sounds great. Finally a prison that doesn't cost the taxpayers money.

I get it, it’s like satire that has taken such a long journey, that it finds itself in reality. Ohh.

Imagine the profits if they legalized it prison. 😂

Bloomberg Correctional Facility

That’ll teach him

It's funny cause it's true. US has about 5% of the world's population. But holds about 25% of the world's PRISON population. The US prison system is a billion dollar business.

What we have here is...failure to meet your sales goals

If you know a better way to find telemarketers for the RNC, I'd like to hear it.

The Wolf of C Block

Andy Dufresne will be his accountant?

that's pretty accurate though.

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