ExxonMobil Simplifies Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half

IRVING, TX—Emphasizing that the new process would revolutionize the fossil fuel industry forever, ExxonMobil announced Friday that they had developed a simpler process of extracting oil that involved cutting the Earth in half.

“According to our research, there is no faster, easier, and more painless way to find deep, previously undiscovered oil pockets than to chop the planet clean in half and take a look at the cross section,” said spokesperson Christina Hill, adding that the process involved slicing the Earth along the prime meridian and then extracting the reserves to a giant oil rig.

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ohhh so that’s why the sun stopped setting

It's not fair cutting earth into four pieces will be more appreciateable and acceptable

still_NunyaDB Not funny sorry

Ah.... a Basin Earth, you say?

So I guess we're giving up on solar and wind?

2 earths, twice the oil.

Did they patch Wyoming out of the game with that too?

When the Earth stops spining. Then you will get it.

Thus cutting harmful global air pollutants in half, it’s genius

Gonna make an earth quesadilla!

Ah, yes

That's false. It is scientifically impossible. Stop spreading fake news. Just kidding lol. It is 100% true.

How are they going to cut a flat earth in half?

So which half are we on?

Did they get a tax subsidy to do it?

All racists will secede to the Southern Hemisphere but the NYT will continue with both-sides headlines.

Fake news. Everyone knows oil comes from the space whales that make their home on the moon. The phases of the moon are just the space whales migrating, blocking out the light

AllenSniperian i mean.. whatever works... (god i love the onion)

diegol13elmessi

I want to live on the half that has no idiots

that's not how oil extraction works satire onion

And who’s excavating the other half?

Bobevilpenguins Du coup t'es viré ?

Incredible engineering feat.

I'm assuming the sweeping legislation that allowed exxon-mobil to do it was bipartisan... so big win, right?🤔👍🏼

as long as its the left side, i am good

Fun Fact - ExxonMobil started working on a plan to get sticky tar sand out of the ground by drilling boreholes, dropping nukes down them, and blowing the tar out. They actually trialled it once. It went about as well as you'd expect. A massive crater full of irradiated tar.

wowwwww the onion cut the world in half just to take a picture for a joke news article? not cool dude

What happens to the local inhabitants?

Making the earth round and flat at the same time. Very diplomatic.

Shh dont give the yanks an idea

unrealistic. How you gonna cut a Flat earth ?

cc AhmedGoldstein

That explains Australia

but the inner core is mainly iron and nickel.... oil is a biological product from millions of years of decaying organic matter from dinosaurs n shit....

This is impossible. Unfortunately you are brainwashed (by the establishment) to believe that the earth is round. Please open your eyes. cc FlatEarthOrg

It means jobs for everyday Americans trying to put food on the table and support their families.

After Trump signed an EO deregulating it. What was Obama thinking!

Making jobs for our people! Truly Oil companies can do no wrong!

You guys are stupid on God

Good strategy I can respect that

🤣

Cut in half, you say?

At least my stock values would go up again!

BP spilled the other half in the remaining oceans. Says: 'Not our fault.' and blames flat side of Earth.

Don’t let Trump see this ,he will say it’s doable

Space oil pollution , just imagine some alien spaceship gets stained by some flying oil in space

GENIUS! Then we can use the other half for double the oil extraction, increasing our total profits! Well done ExxonMobil!

damn how big is the helicopter

RuPaul this you?

Thanos would like to know your location

forgot to mention the ever-growing oil leak slowly orbiting the earth

finally

That explains why it's gotten so hot

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