Employee Leaves Performance Review With Clear, Identifiable Goal Of Surrendering To The Void

📆 6/24/2020 10:22 PM
📰 TheOnion

⏱ Reading Time:
1 sec. here
2 min. at publisher
📊 Quality Score:
News: 4%
Publisher: 51%

Business Business Headlines News

Business Business Latest News,Business Business Headlines

CINCINNATI—Saying the conversation with his manager had really helped him see the next steps for his time at the company, Celera Solutions employees Marcus Parker told reporters Wednesday that he had left a recent performance review with the clear, identifiable goal of surrendering to the void. “It wasn’t too long of a meeting, but hearing my boss tell me exactly where I’ve been coming up short this past year provided the perfect roadmap for giving myself over to the universe’s inherent meaninglessness,” said Parker, describing the process of gradually dissociating as he listened to his superior describe his failures in excruciating detail and why he would not be receiving an annual raise as a great way to set up the goal posts that he would need to eventually cast himself into the harrowing emptiness of life itself. “It’s easy to miss the forest for the trees, which is why it was so nice to have this open point-by-point discussion where I could really see that there is an infinite sadness underneath every action I take at this office and, actually, the world itself. Now I just have to keep my eye on the prize and continue following this game plan we drew up together, and I’ll probably be capitulating to the oppressive and absurd dirge of existence by the fourth quarter or so. Man, that’d be pretty nifty.” At press time, Parker was attempting to stay on track by using a visualization exercise recommended by his supervisor in which he closed his eyes and pictured himself hurling into the cosmic horror of deep space.

Write Comment

Relatable

Always a good option.

Ahem, TheVoidsVoice, that's your queue.

😂

Yes, you exceeded the goals we set for you when the year started but we moved the goalposts without telling you so enjoy another year without a promotion!

MarkVellky

robertcaruso 'Work smart, not hard'

that bad?

Time to take a bathroom break with his phone to relieve the stress

Just keep staring into the abyss, pal - and see what happens.

It's like that where I work, too.

What an upwardly mobile and dynamic young capitalist predator in the making 😁

😂🤣😂

Mood

what a handsome employee 🥺

It's nice

you don't hate your life, you hate capitalists

I've acknowledged we all shall perish into the void and have made peace with that.

Absorbing a performance appraisal on schrooms has its benefits.

Metaphysics and Philosophy for Wall Street? Awesome! An Existential dilemma for the little people that work for big people.

Thoughts and Prayers....

He was seen muttering 'Why have a scale of 1 to 5 if you're not going to use the entire range?'

When I worked for Mother Xerox in the late 1980s and early 1990s, I wrote my own performance reviews. TrueStory

Been there.

nowhere to go but up into the meaningless darkness

I like how his tie matches the plant!

submission relieves work stress

I actually wrote something like this once My boss pulled me aside & was upset that I 'Didn't take it seriously' Thats when I told her I had Major Depression, had tried to kill myself 3x in the past month & I took that performance review more seriously than I took anything in life

Ha!:)

I prefer ...into the Abyss..but okay, you're the boss.

It’s easy to feel that way when your whole performance review is just a 3x5 notecard with the final lines of Eliot’s Prufrock printed on it.

Specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound. Should definitely be able to complete before next review. Nicely done, employee.

Relatable. Living in a state of perpetual darkness is better than a shitty office job.

This has real 'low income Chinese sweatshop worker' vibes

Cog... Meet Machine 😌

galexynguyen

I thought this was a job requirement

How'd it go? Oh, it...wen...say what's the easiest way to give away all your belongings? I'm...yeah..I think I'm a hermit now.

I too like to initial form letters calling me adequate

Resistance is futile

We have summarized this news so that you can read it quickly. If you are interested in the news, you can read the full text here. Read more:

Business Business Latest News, Business Business Headlines

Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.

Pinterest Sounds A More Contrite Tone After Black Former Employees Speak OutIfeoma Ozoma and Aerica Shimizu Banks — two women who left their jobs at Pinterest over their treatment there — say the company's culture doesn't support Black employees. After a week of deflecting criticism, Pinterest is now apologizing. BS! Edit: After two weeks of incessant outrage mobbing, Pinterest lost its spine and took a knee
Source: NPR - 🏆 96. / 63 Read more »