BOFH: Ah. Company-branded merch. Much better than a bonus

"I want a technical opinion: what do you think of these?" the Director asks, indicating an item in a glossy brochure."A, because it's a four-gig USB key, and B, your brochure says they'll give a discount for cash."

"Mmm. Well, I've already got the money from petty cash to purchase them. But what do you think of them?""Why are you … asking?" My eyes narrow. "I … ah … The company's planning a mid-year Christmas hamper for all staff with each division head responsible for sorting something from their area. The Design people have created tee-shirts with all the company logos from the past ten years, the PR people have sourced a picnic blanket with the current company logo, Finance have organized an elephant money box with the company logo on it, and I'm just trying to think of something that would really complement it.

"You mean like this?" the PFY asks pulling a tin of petrol from under his desk and gazing off into the unfocussed middle distance."Fire – there's nothing like it. And, when you get something really burning well, heave it over the fence of some law enforcement or military facility. And guess whose business card would be found on it – strangely preserved from the heat?"

"I … well … probably whoever put the parcel together," the Director burbles, envisioning the waterboarding of some poor pleb from the mailroom."It's got your name engraved on it.""My mistake. Just pop it back on the desk will you?"realizes that the shiny metal surface of a knock-off Zippo will preserve his fingerprints until long after his electric chair has been scrubbed down. He pops it in his pocket.

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