that soap company Dr. Squatch has insured his, uh, little Cannons for a whopping $10 million. “It’s official! I have the most valuable balls in the world!” Cannon wrote, without offering any details on the ball value of others to back up his claims. A press release insisted that the insurance policy on Cannon’s gonads is 100% real, despite the overall scenario clearly being an elaborate marketing ploy.
The accompanying Instagram video sees Cannon celebrating his nut valuation and playing with a suggestive pair of golden eggs. “Nick Cannon’s golden balls are single-handedly keeping the human population afloat,” the narrator says as the ad shows horrifying clips of Cannon’s adult head superimposed onto baby bodies. “He’s fathered 12 children that he knows of, and shows no signs of stopping.”
A disclaimer at the bottom of the video reads, “Dr. Squatch does not actually sell insurance products. We do, however, sell products to care for and protect your balls.”In one of the most unpleasant sentences we’ve ever read in a press release, the company said, “Instead of listening to the haters and getting a vasectomy, Nick is doubling down on his valuable family jewels and protecting his productive pair so he can keep procreating for years to come.
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