Consumer Report Indicates Slushies Lose 35% of Their Value Within First Year Of Purchase

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DALLAS—Citing adverse factors such as rapid melting rates and poor syrup congealment, a consumer report published Tuesday revealed that the average slushy on the market today loses more than a third of its value within 12 months of initial purchase. “New slushies tend to depreciate quickly, with exposure to the sun or other heat sources severely decreasing the frozen treat’s utility to buyers,” said report author and consumer advocate Darien McNulty, who confirmed the resale value of a single Big Gulp Slurpee can decrease by as much as 15% the moment it leaves a 7-Eleven parking lot. “Across all flavors, from grape to blue raspberry to piña colada, our research suggests that six months after purchase, customers should be prepared to pay for parts and service to ensure proper slushy maintenance. Modern cups, straws, and plastic dome lids simply do not hold up to the wear and tear of daily use.” The report went on to state that customers are better off buying pre-owned slushies from 2016 or earlier, as these beverages maintain surprisingly high customer satisfaction ratings despite being entirely melted.

 

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Don’t you mean Squishies?

16

100% within the first hour

Buy Bitcoin!

DAMN IT!!

There goes my retirement fund

bigalbyrnes

Is that rounding up or down? 🤔

Yes they have a lousy return on investment.

I'm a little disappointed. I expect better journalistic standards from the Onion. Big Gulps and Slurpees are two different things. 7eleven

* nytimes interpretive headline : 'Consumer Report Says Slush Fund Takes A Hit'😒😏

I invested everything! I’m ruined!!!

This is why I suggest to buy them used, not new.

Sellers should start a 'Slush Fund'.

I would say a slushy loses at least 60% of its value the first time it passes through my digestive system. By the second or third time it is practically worthless, I can literally only give them away.

Then they become smoothies, according to the FDA.

Fake news.

They also cannot navigate the slalom course unmodified.

I've heard the resale market is pretty tough too.

I thought it was within the first second of purchase.

The onion stole my kidneys

30% goes as soon as you drive them off the lot!

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