Activated him to early in the process..
If they had that technology they would replace every worker's feet with roller skates.
Hey this is true!
He will now be far more productive and less accident prone.
Better than Sam Walton gnawing at the marrow of the severed limb.
IThoughtTheOnionWasSupposedToLie
Love this.
Sounds legit.
The satire here being the idea that Bezos would actually do some work himself
that's preposterous... ...a catheter would be way more practical.
You’re assuming Jeff Bezos would do manual labor?
Pretty sure thats a cutting torch, its not really for welding
this is only unbelievable for these reasons: 1. Jeff bezos knowing how to weld 2. Jeff bezos doing any type of work 3. Jeff bezos spending money on that cool of hardware 4. Jeff bezos being inside one of his own warehouses
Well, he’s a hands on boss.
what could possibly go wrong?
AlanTudyk It must be hard creating satirical news while regular news is already so strange and unbelievable.
This was more or less how Deus Ex: Human Revolution started.
Jeezus, that is twisted
😆 is killing it today
Oh come on. Bezos would never stoop to do that work himself. He would have a robot assigned to do it. Built by a program completed funded with taxpayer dollars courtesy of his friends on Capitol Hill.
Funny cause it's true
With an oxyfuel cutting torch? I don’t think so
Wait Jeff knows how to do work? Like even weld? I thought all he knew was to talk
I believe he's supposed to say thank you sir.
AlanTudyk Not too far off, probably given the supervillain attributes Jeffy has.
Now all that is left is for the worker to continue his shifts until the arms are paid for. Hope he is ready for triple shifts until 2057.
We can rebuild him: faster, better, stronger... The $7.25/hr Man.
I hate when that happens.
Then sends him a bill for the new arms.
They guy really, deeply cares for his drones
I mean this is basically the plot of Robocop
OurWayToMenengai4 하늘과 땅은 사라지지만 그리스도의 말씀은 사라지지 않습니다.
😹😹😹😹😹😹😹😹😹😹😹😹😹😹
He wouldn’t do this. Bezos would instead be saying that the worker should be proud that his former arms’ hard work made it possible for his CEO to go to space for 30 minutes.
He also woke up forklift certified so no one can say for sure if it was good or bad
Amazon probably has a R&D department dedicated to this technology already
This is way more cyberpunk than Cyberpunk 2077.
Looks like the Metaverse, AMZN edition. Better than FB’s, that’s for sure ;-)
He used alchemy to try to resurrect someone
It's like Tokyo Gore Police up in that warehouse 🤣
😅😄🤣🤣
Get back to work!
old news
How generous to spend half a million dollars on one employee
Local Amazon worker further horrified to discover his already-paltry wages are being garnished to pay for monthly subscription to use new cybernetic limbs.
One of us, One of us, One of us, One of us...
Universal Soldier but it's dead warehouse workers
AndrewYang
Will the savings from this practice allow me to have free shipping? Because if so, I might be ok with it
This is so Kenshi.
Don’t give him ideas please! The world is not ready for Amazon branded cyborgs using Alexa as their personality base. Thank you for your kind attention to this matter.
LOL.....wait this is probably true.
Isn’t this the plot of Lab Rats?
Lucky bastard.
Well, shit happens and shit needs to get done. DONT BLAME THE BEZOS
We all knew it was going to be Bezos or Musk.
That's not the worst part, the scrip pay is the real salt in the wound.
Robocop was a documentary.
Not covered by company health insurance so out of pocket expense for the worker. Though it is a tax deduction for Amazon.
Good Lord.
So true so true 😅
The Surge (2017)
gabrielenguard I know this is suppose to be horrifying but if I woke up to someone implanting me with robot parts my next words would not be 'oh my god you monster', it would be 'Can you do my legs next? My insurance won't cover it.'
Part man. Part machine. All Prime.
Yeah, no way Bezos would have the finesse and control to lay a bead on calibrated machine like that. welder
I hate when that happens, but that's Monday for ya
Horrified Amazon Worker Awakes From Warehouse Accident To Find Out He's Just An Android
anything to increase worker-drone efficiency
Resistance is futile
He can be an extra if there’s an Alita Battle Angel sequel.
I love satire like this just due to its absurdity. I mean, everyone knows Jeff Bezos wouldn't lift a finger to help an employee
It's faster, write me a four page narrative bitch
“As he looked closer he Realized it was just a robot with a face photo of Bezos completely bald head taped to what appeared to be the robots head.”
Literally just watched sorry to bother you same exact idea
Jeff who?
not a reach
Finally the built in stabilization selfie camera hand we've been waiting for
JeffBezos
VV4Change This is how far satire needs to go in 2019 just so we don’t mistake it for actual headlines
VV4Change You'd kind of wonder ....
Dark humor Af 😂
This is some Quake shit
Fake. Bezos wouldn’t be caught dead in the warehouse.
Bezos is a welder? That explains why he's so rich...
Sad.
😂
if that would be the next amazon move, it wouldn't be that bad for a lot of blue-collars 😉
me
Fake. Bezos can’t weld because that requires him to get dirty, sweat, and work. And he’s only using a torch? That would ruin the mechanics of the arm!
Jeff Bezos: 'Gentlemen, We can rebuild him, we have the technology. Let me introduce to you, the 6 million Pesos mechanical man! He also hunts down and terminates anyone who even utters the 'U' word.'
I worked my way through college with a factory job as a punch press operator. The job was open because the person who had it before me lost both hands and part of his arms when the safety straps failed. I know this is the Onion, but appalling disregard for worker safety is real.
Haha you think Bezos knows how to weld, that's fuckin funny
sumeriannn He's actually planning on this
It’s ROBOCOP, you fucks
Deus Ex: Logistics Revolution
WorkerConsumerWillingToBox
Danny_2462 I don’t know what this is, but I like it
Call Spider-Man
BNPdayren My god
It was his fault for falling asleep on the clock. (And no, an accident is absolutely no excuse to fall unconscious and stop working, tsk!)
Man of your dreams if you love being chocked.
But the machines told us we shouldn't be afraid.
Somebody just watched Archer: Dreamland again.
Danny_2462 Oh hey its factorio 0.18
Amazon FC Ambassador Rob - I actually enjoyed the incredibly painful experience of getting mechanical limbs welded on to my stumps. I have not heard others at my FC complaining.
The horse-people program must not be ready yet.
🤣🤣
horrified he looks like hes having the time of his life
Lmao Jeff Bezos doin any actual work
Dude, that's actually kind of awesome. I'd be for that if it was just actual mechanical arm augmentation. Let's become cyborgs, man. I'd become a cyborg for Lex Luthor over there.
All it said in the Washington Post was that Prime is going from two days delivery to one.
We have the technology
BNPdayren this is the opposite of a problem
We don't hire Luddites around here, get with the program
Everyone knows Bezos can’t weld.
This will make you FASTER.
Shit. Is that what happened?
Better get used to it.
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Source: CNBC - 🏆 12. / 72 Read more »