Subpoenaed Trump Organization Financial Documents Reveal Company’s Only Holding Is Single Dairy Queen In New Jersey

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NEW YORK—Saying they are beginning to perceive the full scope of the secretive business dealings, investigators working for special counsel Robert Mueller announced Friday that subpoenaed Trump Organization financial records show the company’s only discrete holding is a Dairy Queen franchise in West Milford, NJ. “We are currently engaged in a thorough analysis of financial statements, relinquished in response to the subpoena, encompassing the entire Trump Organization’s business empire, namely the Dairy Queen just down Marshall Hill Road from the paintball supply shop,” said agent Maria Russo, explaining that the last 30 years of President Trump’s business career appear to have been spent running the franchise, and that all his investments, accrued debt, and total net worth are tied up in the ownership of the suburban ice cream stand. “As we understand it so far, the day-to-day work of all 20,000 Trump employees worldwide, including the thousands working at the company’s rented headquarters in Trump Tower, is singularly devoted to the management and promotion of this Dairy Queen franchise. We are also in possession of tax records indicating Trump did briefly own a minor share of a Pizza Hut on Long Island, but it apparently went bankrupt in 1997.” Russo also said that the investigation had not yet turned up definitive links to Russian money, but noted the job description for the Dairy Queen night manager included “at least three ‘ruble runs’ a week” to the currency exchange at the Newark Airport.

 

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and it’s losing money

Best hamburders ever!

Careful! They'll sue you for slander!

😀

How does a foot long meal fit into those tiny little hands?

the one store that has run out of Blizzards in the whole State, by the way, and will not be getting any more

It's in louisiana. this is the right one

Tadgho78

The good one, not the shitty one across town.

Q: Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant? A: Burger King didn’t wrap its Whopper.

try their melted fudge polonium blizzard!

They have dairy queens in NJ? An unexpected island of culture in the swamp.

I thought the Onion was supposed to be satire?

Explains his massive weight gain. All those Blizzards.

Explains a lot. 💰👎😕💣🎲🎱

The Onion just doesn't have 'it' any longer. So lame and not funny.

At least this is obviously satire, DQ is up in the market YTD lol

The sad thing is it could be true!

Damn dis joke made it by yall editor? Fuckin LOL dudes update da resume hahahaha

Yabut all Trump employees get an Ivanka brand IOU when they purchase a full price Peanut Buster Parfait.

America needs more DQ’s!

Savvy

Would be more believable if a banana stand.

But is it a Brazier location?

The Libtards complaining about dairy coming from cows, the consivitards complaining its Queen and not King

And the DQ has been closed for 16 years.

The more you know

Lol don’t bring Dairy Queen into this 😭

Ask Grassley if that one is good for u kno what too.

mmmm ... Dairy Queen Blizzard!

There's always money in the banana stand.

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