WASHINGTON—Revising an earlier mandate requiring Covid-19 patients to self-isolate for 14 days without exception, CDC director Robert Redfield announced Friday that the agency was now offering a new expedited quarantine period of just three to five business days for $29.99. “With the simple click of a button, Americans diagnosed with the novel coronavirus can now get their quarantine done quickly and cheaply for three easy installments of $9.
99,” said the acclaimed virologist, stressing that it was important for interested patients to order now, because the exclusive offer wouldn’t last forever. “No more waiting two full weeks for your contagiousness to subside, simply select ‘Priority Quarantine’ on the CDC website and enter your credit card number, and in one week or less, you’ll be fully cleared to reenter society.
Does that come with indoor pool and free drinks?
Quarantine Prime
That's the same price Earl Scheib charged to paint your car. No ups, no extras.
Wired: good-timing discount Tired: another pay-to-play package..._
There’s still a possibility that this is the actual plan 😞
Is that C. Everett Coop's ghost?
But is it dishwasher safe?
I love this man's stank face.
LessThanRAJ Robert R. Redfield is a very corrupt individual. As if you couldn't tell by looking at him..
I’m holding out for CDC Prime.
Is that with single or double mask?
But wait...there's more
i guess it's a better deal than the Lose Your Job And Income If You Don't Come To Work option most companies offer
The Prick version of C Everett Koop
Ha hah this is the one Trump has
Just once I want to hear him say 'No Mr Bond, I expect you to die.'
Two for one if you infect a friend. Package deals for families!
For a limited time, provide an airline ticket or note from your parents, and we can turn this around in less than 2 days
1:00 AM · 31 янв. 2021 г.·Sprout Social 🚩
Must be delivered through Dejoys post office though so there goes your time savings.
3 payments of 9.99 is 29.97 not 29.99
In Trump terms that's 1 month.
Can I pay with dogecoin, asking for a friend
Update your photo stock.
Get a second quarantine for the same price. Just pay separate shipping and handling.
Act now!
About damm time!
Kinda get a Scrooge vibe from this pic.
ReticentTurnip I’ll wait for the Boxing Day sales.
With a signed letter of authenticity by Dr Robert Redfield that reads in all caps, ‘CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE HEREBY CURED OF COVID. THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT CDC (a subsidiary of the Home Shopping Network)’
Query: is there a cheaper version of the quarantine that's manufactured in China?
RepPaulMitchell
Can I get easy payments for this?
Is this part of the EZ-CDC system? Portable troll booths at bridges tunnels and doorways. Let me get the hot glue gun and ez-pass from the car and attach it on my forehead.
Gotta get on that CDC Prime. Regular CDC just isn't fast enough.
& 10% off funeral expenses.
My first thought: he just stood in line for the past week, only to find out he could have bought a fast pass.
Makes a great Stocking Stuffer 😂
Only $0.05 more than Apple One Premiere. That’s a pretty good deal.
Onion not needed anymore
very kind of them
Can't wait for the BOGO sale!
Amazing.
Covid stuff isn’t funny rn.
Do they accept credit cards?
This guy looks like he used to play drums in a doom metal band but now he's just tired of people trying to doom themselves
Please make all checks payable to:
Nowhere near as good value as the quarantine period of zero days for business class 'high value' travellers just announced in real life by the British Government. Truly, parody and satire are dead.
Does it include free future upgrades & Premium Support?
This would be funny if it were funny.
An Executive Quarantine, if you will, because they know they’re too important to the world, to quarantine like a commoner.
😭
JamesFrye Meanwhile in England SatireIsDead
How much for a preemptive pardon from Trump?
$299.95 add-on if you also want civil immunity.
Stimulus checks should cover costs just fine
😅😂🤣
when will the same-day quarantine period be released for $59.99?
Don’t give them any ideas
Sadly not satire in the UK
Laugh now
Wait is there more?/s
How much of that goes to Trump?
AnneMarieTrades Oh shit 🤭 Almost believed it
I mean, the $1200 reprieve was pretty much based on a similar idea?