NEW YORK—Taking an expansive view of future prospects for the business, forward-thinking CEO Rick Benson was reportedly hoping Thursday that his company would be able to capture a new audience by making their signature product worse in every conceivable way.
“Let’s face it, this industry moves fast and we have to be ready to cater to new users by altering every single thing that was popular in the first place,” said Benson, confirming his intention to court additional demographics by ensuring the next version was buggier, slower, and contained a more counterintuitive interface.
How about a Bud Light, Princess?
So, he's taking the FOX approach. That's, like, 12th dimensional chinese checkers.
Not inspired by any Elons in particular, right?
This must be about HiltonHotels
Anyone in mind?
comcast this you?
So the CEO of every internet or cell phone service ever? A real race to the bottom in those industries. And yet they raise fees by the day.
Wait is this an ad for Twitter?!?
elonmusk
Wait, that's not Zuck 😂😂😂
works for Apple ;)
Lets get a tally going. How many times will elonmusk get tagged on this post?
🤣🤣
elonmusk
elonmusk
elonmusk
Gotta disrupt...right?
Airlines have been using this strategy for years.
This is just the unabashed truth.
This would be very workable and seriously pump up sales if he would just add some hollow virtue signaling. Just ask BedBathBeyond
NOT a parody for some software. If it works perfectly, no reason to purchase the latest 'upgrade'.
i thought this site was supposed to be satire?!?
You can say Netflix
Actual plot of Hi Fi Rush
Cory Doctorow calls this process “enshittification”.
elon musk
Elon?
Social media interactions will be at an all time high!
“It doesn’t work, but it’s more efficient!”
elonmusk
It’s Twitter!
And charging a 1,000% mark-up...
Is it still satire if it's entirely true?
TeamYouTube YouTube
Bingo!
Netflix and Twitter CEOs taking notes.
This should really be the headline every time some rich moron says, 'We'll be expanding into the NFT space.'
Ah, Capitalism! 😊
Apple.
It’s funny that I often think Onion headlines are about me, but this one is about you!
And then, for a reason even God is still searching for to this day and that Satan swears isn't even his doing, it works.
He doesn’t have to hope, just increase your profit margin by cutting quality input costs and paying low wages while using psychological manipulation in your advertising. You only need a one year guarantee of product so plan some obsolescence or repeated maintenance needs profit
Microsoft Windows10
Ahhh, Apple
Mini Trump
Video game devs making sequels
Hey comcast , found this cool article about you—check it out!
You're indeed a great woman,I never expected this from you,i assure you that I will bring more clients to your crypto company because of what you've done in my life,I promise to let the word know about you. Your work speaks volumes of the kind of a woman you are GregoryLillian5
Scopely following your playbook
Sounds like Instagram mosseri
dude that's what happened to instagram. I remember it being just a tad bit better and I miss dailybooth =[
That does literally seem to be the case.
Jez_Conrad
He must work for Netflix
Perfect!
Must work for the cops..
Is he rob manfred?
Sounds about right
EASPORTS
Once the widget breaks, they will need a new one. That brings sales way up. Genius.
Their motto 'yuh can't scrape the bottom of the barrel without crap. Our crap is the worst.'
Shorting their own stock through a dummy company.
Well done, Onion writers.
Wasn’t this the business plan for Yugo?
If they don't extend your union contract and give into your every demands, I'm done with the Onion. It got so good once y'all unionized, it's gonna be dog shit without that.
It worked for Apple
Literally Skype
Also gmail
Literally. Everything. In. The. Whole. Entire. World. Ever.
✊
Your next one should be about the board members who hire them to gut the business so they can use the innovation claims to drive up stocks as they quietly cut most full and pt time (benefit) positions to further artificially boost profits.
The Craftsman Tool business plan
smells like an herb
WordPress this is you. I hate you.
Well I guess the Onion is finished. Sad.
Yep.
This is not News. Pretty much standard operating procedure for all American companies.
IBM
Let me save everyone listing individual companies some time. Literally every publicly-traded company will eventually do/become this if they haven’t already. Plenty of private companies as well, but it isn’t guaranteed. Think I’m being too serious for the Onion though. 😂
You should trademark this idea before Apple figures out it's their strategy.
Haha is this apple ceo?
AHEM Game Freak
Been done many times before...
BeyondLight
Apple? This you?
youtube?
UPS...
Will probably succeed too.
They call this the 'Lost' strategy. After the television show, which took the principle of ever increasing suckiness into the stratosphere. Like universal entropy is always growing, but replace entropy with suckitude.
Man you guys really skewered these ceo types!
Ah, so thats what the Facerig CEO looks like.
rip av club
I thought The Onion was supposed to be satire! 😂😂😂
Nice try onion, ea already did that
Aggressive re-branding.
Carson Daly slimming up!
AAA video games already do this
Marketing!!
Make Coke taste like tree bark.
Worked for the GOP.
::starts weaving gold thread for those parachute strings::
It's called the Trump Approach.
Comcast customer service?
Is this the guy who took over ESPNFantasy ?
So Todd Howard of Bethesda? :)
I am sorry. AirCanada has already tried this...
Gob Stevens?