Opening Statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote: My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr.
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician , prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head , a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs.
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote’s careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant’s product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
At this point, Defendant’s product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.
This is one of my all-time favorites!
Wile E. was declared guilty of harrassment against the Road Runner by the way
In ACME's defense, Mr. Coyote misused their products in his relentless pursuit of Mr. Roadrunner.
I saw this piece somewhere, bought Frazier's book and started reading The New Yorker. 25+ years later, I still look forward to a new issue every Monday. And, I get resentful when they take a week off :)
ACME is obviously at fault considering that Wile E. Coyote is a genius and would not have so greviously injured himself through his own operational incompetence.
This one’s a classic. I read it a couple years ago. Must read!
🤣🤣🤣
gtconway3d Great way for distractions.
One of the most enduringly, indelibly funny pieces ever published in the New Yorker. I was a young lawyer and new New Yorker subscriber when it came out. I saved the print copy. We were photocopying it and passing it around the office.
gtconway3d Seriously, all the money that he spent on the Acme products... The poor bastard could have eaten a steak dinner every night....
One of my all-time favorites. Went viral before viral was a thing.
In state of New York
And what government agency approved of his rocket powered roller skates.
Some of you had to go to law school Me:
I post Wile vs Acme on facebook every year (with appropriate credit). Classic!
gtconway3d Oh yeah. Cool piece by Ian Frazier. I remember that-terriwindling & I reprinted it in The Year's Best Fantasy and Horror: Fourth Annual Collection.
gtconway3d They needed to subpoena the road runner- beep beep.
gtconway3d COO of ACME. . .
One of the greatest books.