Trump Orders CDC To Research His Investment Portfolio For Potential Coronavirus Cures

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WASHINGTON—On the heels of touting the anti-malaria drug hydroxychloroquine for treating Covid-19, President Donald Trump issued orders to the CDC Wednesday, urging the agency to conduct extensive research into his investment portfolio to find more potential cures for the novel coronavirus. “Look, there’s all sorts of stuff in here that could help with the disease as far we know, so let’s start giving people some luxury spa treatments and see what happens,” said Trump, demanding that the country’s leading public health institute conduct clinical studies to see if an hour or two a day on a Floridian golf course could significantly reduce the need for a respirator. “Even just a couple of studies showing that Pepsi or Microsoft products can help neutralize the spread of the virus would be really amazing. Remember, people are dying, so we need everyone working around the clock to make sure that none of my financial interests are overlooked.” Trump added that in order to expedite the process, all further study would occur at the CDC’s new state-of-the-art facilities at the Trump International Hotel.

 

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lol

I hear good things about Hydroxy Chloriquine and Provasic

Are you guys going to make YouTube videos again?

LEGIT did not think this was satire. Too close to home.

It's got Electrolytes!

Something tells me this isn't fake news

Legit isn't this where the whole hydroxychloroquine thing came from?

🤣🤣😂😂😅😅😊😊😶😶😐😐😢😢😩😩

I sometimes wonder what house he’d be in at Hogwarts

YGalanter Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction is regulated by what is possible. Truth is not. M. Twain

You are in trouble finding jokes :)

Oh god what if it turns out he’s invested in a pharmeceutical company or some shit and he’s holding out cure research until one is made so he can mass produce it and sell it at an overinflated price?

'If Rudolf can project light, than why not the rest of us? I ask you, dear CDC gentles, please peruse my portfolio for this.'

Pretty much this.

.realDonaldTrump VaginaNeck

RELATED: Trump Medical Team Privately Concerned He May Suffer From Spacial Recognition Issues

Trump declares K-Pop Stans and TikTokers terrorist organizations

*side effects* Turns face orange and could lead to megalomania. Long term issues include authoritarianism, kleptocracy and senility.

Seen at the Trump Rally

Onion or reality strikes again

Just listed: 20 premium lots with views of the SW garden all located on the upper west side. Act quickly. Can build up to a 225 sq ft tent. HOA and security fees charged monthly. visitChop

jonsknowsnothin Lol

Don’t give him ideas.

💯💯💯🔥🔥🔥🔥

So the cure is McDonald's?

GLew1970 What

Can treason and fascism treat COVID-19?

Damn, you are supposed to report FUNNY FAKE news, not harsh reality!

political_scott Are we sure this is satire?

Truth over facts

this doesn't pass the smell test at all

Getting harder to make satire these past 4 years.

Com'on 🚶🏾‍♂️🚶🏾‍♂️

Golfing, how about that? Let's look into that, we'll see what happens.

Next up: “Trump Follows Advice of CDC Research”

Life imitates art.

?

Funny, but also possibly true...and if true, no longer funny.

you guys discretely stopped being satire

This Is why I'm Trump 2020! Yeah, we've got thousands dead due to his lack of competence but this is some epic level business savvy. This guy has taught me so much. I mean, I'm in prison for sexually assaulting my daughter and like 20 other women but the ratings were yuge

I wouldn't be surprised if this was real

This seems like fakenews to me and I will be reporting it to our presidents office.

What about poor people's investment portfolios?

Impeccable

nb4 this actually happens

See the joke is it’s The Onion.

Alright, had to double check if it was The Onion or not. Thank god

He’s looking for his next bankruptcy

I want to die

Finally

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